Thursday, January 26, 2012
If I could turn back time
Since the birth of my second daughter Olive, I have felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. It is probably a combination of many things in my life. However, it always comes back to my relationship with Dakota (my 3 year old). I feel guilty just writing this post and have gone back and forth about whether or not to publish it. Sometimes I think it's best to be transparent. My pregnancy with Dakota was an amazing and joyous time. It was my first and all of the excitement that comes with that was great. But, I didn't know what it meant to be a mother. I didn't understand the kind of love I was going to feel for her. I also didn't know the frustrations, disappointments, and hardships that came with parenting. I was a selfish person. Hearing her cry would annoy me. Not being able to hang out with friends, eat my dinner while it was still hot, and take a shower made me feel defeated almost daily. I gained a lot of weight, had gross stretch marks, and constantly smelled like spit up. I don't want you to misunderstand me. I love Dakota with my whole heart and she was and is so precious to me. She brings joy and laughter to everyone she meets. She is quirky, kind, and has the most tender heart. Any regrets that I have are in my own self and not because of her. I didn't breastfeeding Dakota. I worked part time. I followed a strict feeding/sleeping schedule which included the Cry it out method. These are just a few of the things that bring me guilt. The most overwhelming, however, is that I didn't treasure every moment with her. She is three now and I cant go back in time. I don't feel that Olive is necessarily being treated better than Dakota was. I do feel that in myself my whole mindset has changed. She is probably my last child. When I found out I was pregnant, I prayed for her. I worried over her development. I thanked God every day. Now that she is here I stare at her constantly. I breastfeed her and for the first few months she has slept next to our bed so i can touch her the moment she makes a peep. I kiss her a zillion times a day so I can memorize the way her squishy cheeks feel. I am now a stay at home mom, so I spend my entire day with them. Dakota is getting all of the kisses and loving too, but in my mind, I missed feeling those feelings with her as a newborn because of my own selfishness and cluelessness about motherhood. I know that Dakota has no clue about her "baby life", and is the happiest kiddo around. I just cant help but feel regret for letting the time go by so quickly without cherishing every single moment of it. Moms! Seriously! When someone tells you it goes by fast, they are not kidding. Memorize every look, giggle, and kiss!